12/31/11: Perhaps detailing how I did a whole lot of making my life worse today might be helpful to someone else. I also did a lot of working on making my life better, but much until now was unsuccessful, a failure, a struggle.
The day started with a drastic thinking/attention mistake. I let my morning meditation go into what we are urged to do on New Years. Big mistake, and it was struggle to get away from leaving the present, evaluating the past year, my past life, making judgments about it.
Have I succeeded in life? Ridiculous question, but it came up. I kept revising it and revising it rather than just dropping it and enjoying the beautiful moment of a beautiful day looking at the fantastically wonderful view out my front windows. Some revisions helped, many didn’t.
Have I done what I wanted during and with my life? This revision failed to help. Far too general. I realized that what I have wanted has changed drastically over time. Not only over days, months, years, but at this point and for about 10 years from moment to moment, breath to breath.
I did manage to do a lot of smiling, being amused as I evaluated/judged/created failure after failure. Do I really wish I hadn’t fantasied, practiced, tried to do as well as I could in a number of sports during my first twenty years or so? Clearly no, but clearly I was a failure.
I never became a pro, got paid for playing baseball, basketball, football. Losses were as many, maybe more than wins. There were always other players who were better than I was.
And, this is the important part which I should have considered in the first place: Despite the failures, many of which I didn’t readily admit to myself at the time, the memories of that trying and failing is entirely pleasant. But they are dim, the mountain and my breathing are living, here now.
Why did I waste all that time then and there with stuff no longer clearly perceptible to me. The memories aren’t nearly as alive and pleasurable as the simple movements of my fingers typing these words.
1/1/12: I’ve been making my life good, enjoyable, amusing and staying with a large percentage of breaths since I got up. Mostly successful in resisting my manic genes. My movements have stayed away from hurrying, and I may have obeyed the Buddha’s doctrine of “He who masters his body masters his mind.”
I doubt I’ve made anyone else’s life better. But have that vague hope, that writing this may some day. It all depends on a good fit between my individuality and what works for me, and a reader testing a bit of what I do and finding it makes his life better. Detailing my interpretation of Buddha’s brief statement I’ll put off until a later writing…